Thank God Owen Wilson Was Wearing His Rolex

What with the global economic infrastructure collapsing, the weather in the Home Counties being colder than the Antarctic and another X Factor Christmas number one it’s been a pretty depressing January all things considered. Thank God then for the lovely people at Melrose Jewelers (the “USA’s #1 Online Rolex Watch Retailer” apparently, and no, I’m not giving them a direct link). Because it seems that as well as looking pretty good on your arm and being the subject of one of last year’s best songs, Rolex watches can help people recover from depression.

The fabulous Marina Hyde of The Guardian’s Lost in Showbiz column found the press release from Melrose and details it in all its glory, thereby bringing a little light into all of our lives:

After a frightening suicide attempt in 2007, Rolex watches and benefits appeared to play an essential role in actor Owen Wilson’s recovery…Although Owen Wilson has worn a Rolex GMT Master in the popular films Wedding Crashers and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, he chooses to wear a Rolex Submariner in his everyday life.

After returning home from the hospital, Owen was captured by a photographer walking on the beach, wearing his Rolex Submariner. Later, he was seen riding his mountain bike in Santa Monica with the Rolex Submariner on his wrist. Obviously, the quality of a Rolex watch helped Owen realize and appreciate the quality of his own life.

Whatever the hawks of the media choose to write, it is clear that Rolex played a major role in Owen Wilson’s recovery. Back in good form, the actor is nothing less than a comic genius in a time when comedy is a necessity. Wearing a Rolex Submariner and attending Rolex Benefits helped Owen Wilson realize his life was valuable and worth living. Once again, the precision and quality of a Rolex proves to be a lifesaver in more ways than one.

As Marina says, “There are, quite simply, no words”. Except that I can think of a few.

Because the people who will come out of this worst are Rolex when the real blame should be heaped on Melrose (for obviously reasons) and MSNBC, Yahoo! & all other places the press release was published (via Marketwire) for publishing such a piece of shit without it passing any form of editor. If I were anything to do with Rolex’s marketing there would be a couple of things I’d do:

  • Send out a release making it clear that Rolex had nothing to do with the Owen Wilson release.
  • Immediately revoke Melrose’s licence, making sure that they pretty quickly become the USA’s #1 Online Retailer Where You Can’t Find A Rolex For Love Nor Money
  • Ensure that no real releases are ever sent via Marketwire

This would mean that those to blame would get theirs, we’d all get to enjoy the amazing chutzpah of the original release and we could go back to thinking of Rolex as the watch that was made for dancing with, not averting suicides. Hit it Wylie.

Rolex submariner image by phototram on flickr


  1. Bloody hell. The people who run Melrose really are stupid aren’t they. Seriously, I think we should all take it upon ourselves to get this to the attention of people at Rolex.

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